Category Archives: The Master Cleanse

The Master Cleanse Chronicles: In the Beginning…..

This is the first blog I wrote in 2008, when I was beginning the MC……LOL…

Current mood:adventurous

Okay.  So this is my first blog of 2008.  New beginnings, right?  For those of you who don’t know, I now live in Ohio, home of numerous buffets, fast food chains that compete for your business by selling little hot dogs with 10 pounds of cheese on them, and random unhealthy (but oh so delicious) restaurants in general.  I, having been here for about 6 months now, have fallen victim to these unhealthy delights.  For instance, there was no Waffle House in DC and here, there is a  5:1 Waffle House/person ratio.  Good for me and very very bad for me because I LOVE Waffle House.  Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I still look the same on the outside, but I feel disgusting on the inside.  LOL, I know, I know, no excuses.  Seriously, I may have eaten veggies a total of 10 times since I’ve been here ( and only 3 of those times by choice).  I honestly may have lost the taste for veggies.  Probably because you can’t order them at the drive-thru….

In any event, I have decided, since 2008 is the year of new beginings, I will  give my digestive tract, arteries and body, as a whole, a new beginning.  I am about to go on the Master Cleanse.  Oh btw, just so you all know THIS IS NOT A DIET!!! It is a detoxifing cleansing process.  Also, I AM NOT A DOCTOR!!!!(I went to school for marketing…lol)  THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG IS TO CHRONICLE MY MASTER CLEANSE JOURNEY AND SHOULD IN NO WAY REPLACE A DOCTOR OR NUTRIONIST’S ADVICE…..BECAUSE I DON’T HOLD DEGREES IN EITHER OF THOSE VOCATIONS….LOL.

Anyways, so tonight is “The Last Supper”, so to speak.    Another reason I’m writing this blog is to keep me honest.  I probably (and I stress PROBABLY) won’t quit since I started writing about it.  Plus Organic Grade B Maple Syrup costs too much per bottle for me to decide otherwise…hopefully….lol.  So come along with me as go on the journey of the Master Cleanse.

 

I have a feeling that this is going to be hilarious………two weeks from now.  

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The Master Cleanse Chronicles: The Post-Game wrap up

Current mood:ecstatic

Hey guys.  Sorry I missed the last few days, but I was super-busy.

Well, I have to say, the Master Cleanse was a great idea.  I lost a lot of weight as a side effect, but I FEEL a lot better.  My skin looks a lot better, and I’ve learned how to pace myself when it comes to food.

Against my better judgement, I went ahead and ate food on the first day…sort of.  I was scared to eat, of course, but I ended up eating two grapes.  I KNOW…TWO GRAPES…LOL.  Those didn’t make me feel sick, so I tried my broth…which tasted exactly like the salt water flush….YUCK.  So,clearly, that went right into the trash.  I drank on TON of orange juice.  (The kind I bought was really yummy!)  I didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day.

K and I did end up going to the wine-tasting last night, after all.  It turned out okay.  I thought that I would be instantly drunk, but I wasn’t.  I decided, later on that night when I was starving, if wine didn’t upset my stomach, then neither would real food.  Ke’Mani and I went to Steak and Shake after the wine tasting (cause the hors d’ oeuvres sucked…lol.  Well they didn’t suck, but I didn’t expect to only have brownies)  We ordered a grilled chicken salad with rapsberry vinaigrette dressing, and a frisco melt and split it.  It was great, but the salad dressing was WAY too sweet.  Looks like we’ll be sticking with lemon juice and olive oil as dressing!  So we went to sleep when we came home and I figured that if anything was going to happen to my stomach, it would happen that night.  But, thankfully, nothing did.  The strange thing that did happen, however, was the fact that my body must have thought I drank the laxative tea last night.  I woke up at 6am like clockwork and headed staight for the loo.  Oh well, I guess my body just isn’t finished yet…LOL

We went to New Krishna for indian food today, and I still feel good.  I also didn’t overeat, which I always do when I go there.  The food is just SOOO good.  But I paced myself and didn’t go back for seconds.  I’ve finally learned the difference between CRAVING something and actually still being hungry.  I was just so used to being like, “Well, if it tastes delicious and there’s still more of it, go back for seconds.” instead of waiting to actually see if I was still hungry at all.  Good lesson taught by 10 days of craving vs being hungry.

In any event, I forgot to weigh myself through-out the process.  I did, sporadically, but the actual number isn’t what moves me.  The way my clothes fit moves me immensely.   We don’t even own a scale, so I have to go to the doctor’s offfice or my parents house if I want to know how much I weigh.  But as soon as I know, you all will know and I will post the grand total in weight and inches lost.

All in all, I would reccommend the Master Cleanse to anyone who feels icky in general and may want to revamp his or her eating habits.  It definitely helped me kick my bad eating habits!

Thanks for reading guys!!!!

 

The Master Cleanse Chronicles: Round 9….FIGHT!!!

Current mood:relieved

Hey guys!  Sorry I didn’t blog yesterday.  It was a little hectic, once again.  but I’ll give you the lowdown.  It was really difficult yesterday.  I really wanted to eat something the other day.  Not that I was hungry, but I just MISS FOOD.  But it’ll be cool.  But it was like everything around me was about food.  I suppose I had no-one but myself to blame about that since I took it upon myself to watch the food network all day yesterday.  LOL.  Yum…. Crepes from New Orleans….yum.

Anyway, I decided to make my broth last night so that I would have it ready to go on Thursday.  I’m just worried that it may taste like my salt water flush.  LOL.  If it does, I’m NOT going to drink it.  K and I have a wine tasting on Thursday.  I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that something awful may happen to my stomach if I go.  LOL.  Oh well.  We have also been invited to a party at Papadeaux on Saturday!!!!!  ARRRGGGHHH.  Sooooo, maybe I’ll be having crepes after all.  LOL.  I probably shouldn’t eat that heavily so soon, but I miss food so much.  LOL.  I’ll probably just eat something light.

Well, no leg pain to complain about. No headaches, or backaches either.  My teeth are still feeling weird, but I only have one more day, right?  I also weighed myself again, and I’ve lost another 5 pounds.  I’m bitter I didn’t weigh myself in the begining, but that’s okay.  I know it’s mostly water weight anyway, but we’ll see how things progress.

As the last day draws near, I feel really proud of myself.  I stuck it out.  I didn’t want to all of the time and Lord knows I wanted to quit, but writing this blog kept me honest.  (As did the $10 maple syrup).  My mom says she may try it next.  I probably won’t do this again for another 6 months to a year, but at least I know I can do it since I’ve done it before.

One day left….WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!

 

The Master Cleanse Chronicles: Round 8….FIGHT!!! (Rated XXX…LOL)

Current mood:optimistic

So I’m down to the wire with this whole Master Cleanse experience.  I have two days left and I cannot wait until I can eat solid foods again.  I’m not hungry, thanks to the cayenne, but the very idea of food is oh so intoxicating.  LOL.   Here is a conversation that I actually had with K this evening

Me:  I’m TIRED of this.  I want to eat REAL food!!!

K:  Well if you feel like you’re all cleaned out, go ahead and eat something

Me:  Even if I did try to eat today, I would only be allowed to have orange juice.

K:  Well, it’ll be okay.  You made it this far

Me:  **singing in an old Church Mama voice** We’ve come this fa-ah-ar by faith…

K:  See, you can do it.  Only 2 more days

Me:  I know.  I’ll just go look at food porn now.  It helps me.

**opening Jessica Seinfeld’s Deceptively Delicious cookbook… with pictures**

** Cue cheesey 70s porn music**

Me:  OOoooh mozzarella sticks, AAAaaaah Macaroni and cheese. MMmmm 

K:  And just like real porn, it doesn’t do anything but give you bad ideas that get you into trouble.

But that’s the thing, guys.  The food porn helps me!  LOL. I sat and made a grocery list today… FOR LIKE 2 HOURS!  I felt FANTASTIC afterwards…LOL

In any event, day 8 was kinda tough because I went back on the Senna Leaf Tea and the SWF.  Ugh.  This morning wasn’t fun.  I like to sleep in, but I have found that the Master Cleanse, in much the way a child (or a spoiled dog named China ) does, will not let you sleep when you most want to.  At least my body’s clock will be primed and ready to wake up early.

On the physical end, no leg pain to report, but I do see some sinister looking bumps on my face that look like they want to turn into pimples.  One of them is planning on setting up shop in the middle of my FOREHEAD.  Right between my eyes.  Not if my trusty Proactiv and I can help it.  Take THAT evil-doers!!!!  I refuse to become a unicorn. Everyone KNOWS they don’t exist.  Also, my tongue still isn’t coated but my teeth are.  THEY FEEL DISGUSTING!!!!  I want to pull them all out!  Yuck.  Okay…so I don’t REALLY want to pull them out, but they do feel nasty.  I’m brushing like 12 times a day.

Oh, and I’ve finally put my finger on what the salt water flush tastes like.  You know when you’re at the beach and you’ve swallowed a TON of seawater and then you go and jump into the pool and swallow a TON of pool water?  Yeah, that’s what the SWF reminds me of.  Yuck.  No longer the devil’s elixir, but it still sucks.

I think when I’ve finished the cleanse, I’m going to go straight into the South Beach Diet, so that I won’t get back those unhealthy cravings.  I figure if I start correctly straight out of the gate, I won’t stray to far.  I’m going to play it by ear, though.  It’ll also be easier for me to eat healthier even when I go out because they just opened a BD’s Mongolian Grill by my house.  And I get to it before I get to the Waffle House, so they placed it perfectly…LOL.

Well that’s all for today.  Hopefully tomorrow will go as quickly as today did.  My lemonade, however, did NOT go quickly today.  I slid into home plate at about 11:57pm.  I was pushing it.  Oh, and just a word to the wise:  DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT swig down your lemonade to beat the clock like I did.  You will regret it.

 

The Master Cleanse Chronicles: Round 7….FIGHT!!!!

Current mood:hungry

Hey guys.  So this is the lastest on my battle with the Master Cleanse; 7 days and counting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was church, so I didn’t do the laxative tea or the SWF.  I will resume it tomorrow.  I would have done it this afternoon  after church, but we met with our realtor again, and I wanted to focus on the task at hand.  I did NOT want to focus on things of a bathroom-oriented nature, if you catch my drift.  (BTW, the hubby and I put in an offer on the house we want, so be praying for us, please.)

This is day seven, and I’ve gotta say, I feel tired.  Not sleepy tired, but tired like you feel when you’ve taken over-the-counter cold medicene.  The leg pain hasn’t resumed, so that’s a plus.  People say you will begin to look forward to the lemonade by this time.  NOT TRUE.  At least not for me.  I only look forward to it because it’s the only thing besides salty water and Senna Leaf Tea that I get to drink.  (Sidebar:  I tried heating up the lemonade and it wasn’t half bad.  Who would’ve thunk?!  I did, however, singe my nostrils  and nasal cavity when I went to drink it.  That part wasn’t fun.  I found that if I hold my breath through my nose as I drink it, it’s really not bad…LOL  Cayenne is a strong, strong herb)

On a more obvious note, I’m REALLY looking forward to eating, but like I said in the last post, the things I’m looking forward too aren’t toxic like the old things I used to eat, so the Master Cleanse really is working.  It’s cured my desire for most things unhealthy.  The most toxic food I want, as of late, are steamed dumplings.  But as long as I don’t eat all of them, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Another thing, I know I forgot to post measurements and weight, so I’ll be sure to include those in the post-game wrap-up.  I can tell you this:  My clothes are fitting WAY better and I don’t have any stomach to pinch.  I also used to suffer from random, unexplained stomach aches, and those have gone away.  I still don’t have the acne people talked about, and I don’t have the sore throat either, so I’m grateful for that.  The only thing I do have is a weird film in my mouth.  Mainly it’s on my teeth, which is NOT a great feeling, but this too shall pass, right?

Three days left….I CAN MAKE IT!!!!!!!

 

The Master Cleanse Chronicles (Days 4,5, and 6)

Current mood:anxious

Hey guys!  Sorry I haven’t written in a few days.  Things have been a little hectic on this end.  My husband and I have been looking for a house and it has been crazy lately.  So things are back to normal…sort of.  LOL

I didn’t take my salt water flush on day four because when I took my Senna Leaf Tea the night before, I didn’t get anything but bad cramps the next day.  So since nothing happened, I wasn’t about to take the SWF and add insult to injury. That would have been WAY too much on my system.  Plus I had to take my car to the shop cause it’s acting like IT’S on the Master Cleanse right now.

My right leg started cramping up on day four as well.  I wasn’t sure what that was about, so I looked it up online.  The only thing I came up with is that “my body is experiencing the release of toxins”…Ummm okay.  Well hopefully the toxins hurry it on up.

I actually finished my lemonade with ease on day four.  Mostly because I didn’t take my customary nap, so I had tons of drinking time.

Day 5 was pretty much the same as day four, but that whole superhero sense of smell thing that people talk about kicked in.  I smelled EVERYTHING.  It was a little off-putting, to say the least.  I could smell everything people ate….even if it was hours ago.  I could smell my husband’s lunch bag in his car like HOURS later.  It was crazy.  Plus I live in an aparment, so imagine what that’s like.  My right leg was still cramping on day 5.  I went back to the shop where I dropped my car off and the guys were like, “Ummm, what is that?  Vodka and cranberry?”, to which I replied,”Oh, definitely something MUCH stronger.”  I carry my lemonade around in one of those 1/2 gallon jug things that resemble the office water cooler, so I’m quite sure they thought I was an alcoholic. Oh well.

Didn’t do the laxative tea or the SWF today (day 6) because my husband and I were going out to look at houses.   Clearly, that would not have worked out.  I really can’t see how people do this cleanse and go to work.  But in any event, there was no cramping in the legs.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t drink the SWF or the tea, but I couldn’t risk needing that kind of a bathroom break.  Plus most unoccupied houses are winterized this time of year, and I don’t think I would have been able to stop myself from using one of them is the need were to arise.  Better safe than sorry, right?

I can’t believe I’ve made it to the halfway point.  I’m very proud of myself, I must say.  This cleanse takes a TON of willpower, but I can’t stop this far in.  If I do, what was all the cramping for?  The nasty SWF?  The $10 bottles of maple syrup?(which I’m wondering if I’ll ever use again.)

Food smells good everywhere I go, but I don’t have the desire for any.  I mean, I want to eat, but I don’t want to eat.  It’ll be hard to start back eating again.  I can understand why people go vegan after this.  You really think twice about what you put in your mouth after such a stringent regimen.  I’ve decided a few things while on the cleanse:

1.  I will probably drink more water.  The “water-cooler” jugs are your daily reccommended amount of water per day, and I suppose if I drank enough water, I wouldn’t get into trouble with foods and overeating.

2.  I plan on eating what ever I please on the weekends.  It’s my belief that people fail to eat right because most diets are way too rigid.  I figure if I allow myself the weekends to do what I want, I’ll be more likely to eat right during the week.

3. I’m going to try and only eat things that are natural during the week.  Things that are as nature intended them.  Not doing that is probably why most people have internal problems (gastrointestinal ones, I mean, but maybe more).  If you eat what God meant for you to eat in the first place, maybe you’ll feel better in life.

Okay.  I’m done philosophizing now.  I’m bitter cause I talked to my parents and they’re at Cracker Barrel….Jerks….LOL.  I’m kidding.  I told them we should have a celebretory lunch on Saturday because my husband and I will be done fasting and we’ll probably have our house by then (pray for us)

I’m still hoping this will all be funny in a week….we’ll see.

PS  I’m craving assorted types of eggs today…random, huh?

Are We There Yet? Master Cleanse Round III…..FIGHT!!!!!

Current mood:impatient

Okay folks.  So this is day three of the Master Cleanse.  I’ve gotta say, I am soooo craving food right now.  If I had the chance to eat it, though, I don’t think I would.  Luckily, I’m still only craving the three from yesterday’s list.  And speaking of yesterday, I’m still bitter about yesterday’s fiasco.  But let’s not dwell on the past….

arrrgh!

Alright…I’m done with my mini-temper tantrum.  On to the Master Cleanse saga.  Cramping is down to a minimum and I’ve gotta say, I’m spending a lot less time in the ladies’.  That is a definite plus.  I’m still tired of the lemonade.  I didn’t finish it yesterday, but I didn’t feel hungry so I figured that was okay. I finished it today, though.

I found that I’m fitting into the “secret jeans” that all women have in the back of their closets.  Excitement moment 1 of the week  Also, I don’t have the sore throat or acne issues that other people have been talking about on their blogs.  Excitement moments of the week 2 and 3 respectively.  My tongue still feels kinda wierd, though.  Other than that, things are going well, and I REALLY want Sushi…and Indian food…and today, Hot Pot.

Is it wednesday yet?

 

The Master Cleanse Chronicles: Round II…..FIGHT!!

As you can see, when I wrote THIS one….I had some…umm…issues…….LOL.

Master Cleanse:  Day 2

Current mood:aggravated

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry this isn’t the the normal witty and upbeat blog I normally do.  I just finished the REAL one 10 minutes ago and accidently hit close on my browser before I could post it!  So it’s gone….ugh  ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!…Okay, I’ve recovered.  I don’t really feel like writing again, so I’ll just make bullet points

*  Cramping is at an all time low, so that’s great

*   Not feeling hungry, but I may never drink lemonade, of any sort, ever again

*   Craving sushi, indian and mexican.

*  Probably tmi, but cayenne must have strong dyeing effects…lol

*  Tired of drinking.  I am FULL of liquids up to my eyeballs!!!

*  The sea salt wash aka The Devil’s Elixir wasn’t as devilish today.  I guess i’m getting used to it.

*  All in all, things are going okay.

check in with me tomorrow, and I will have a more interestingly-written blog, but I’m just too frustrated to write with any emotion the second time around…lol **laughing to hide the pain**

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I’m STILL drinking that blasted lemonade.  I took a long nap today, and missed hours of drinking time.  Oh well, bottoms up………………………………..

The Master Cleanse Chronicles

Hey guys!

Soooo, it’s 2011, and I’m sure ALL of you have heard about it:   The Master Cleanse, the Lemonade Diet, whatever name you know it by, I tried it in 2008.  Oh, and just as a disclaimer I AM NOT A DOCTOR, FOLLOW THIS CLEANSE AT YOUR OWN RISK.  I’m just here to tell the tale…LOL.  Now, you want to know what happend?  The Good, The Bad, and the REALLY BAD?  LOL.  Read on friends…..read on…..

Master Cleanse…..Round 1……FIGHT!!!!!!

Current mood:crappy
Okay, guys.  So this is officially day one of the Master Cleanse and all I have to say is my mood is VERY, VERY accurate.   I don’t feel bad, I feel crappy…literally.  Well I did at least until 4:30pm.  Let’s begin…….
I took my Senna Leaf Tea last night at around 12am or so.  I kept expecting to wake up at 4am or 5am or some ungodly hour like some of the other blogs I’ve read, but that didn’t happen.  I slept through the night.  My stomach didn’t begin fighting me until 8am, but I didn’t get the “desired” effect of my tea until around 2pm.  The cramping wasn’t awful, but it sure wasn’t pleasant.  Ugh.Anyways, I have to say, the saline wash has GOT to be the worst part of the cleanse.  THE SALINE WASH IS THE DEVIL’S ELIXIR.  I hate it sooooo much.  It’s the worst.  I kept trying to imagine that I was sipping warm chicken broth, but about halfway through, I really just had to force it down.  Drinking a quart of warm, salty water is NOT a delicious turn of events.  Drinking it all at once is even less delicious.  You can only pretend for so long.   I have to be honest…I only drank 97% of it.  I couldn’t drink any more.

The lemonade, however, wasn’t half bad.  It was a little spicier than I thought it would be, but it does curb my appetite.  I haven’t really felt hungry at all today.  The only issue I have that is the lemonade is taking FOREVER to finish.  Every time I think I’m almost done, I look back and my container is still half-full!  Aaaaaand I have to pee every 10 minutes.

On the food front, the smell of it doesn’t really bother me.  My husband cooked some chicken breasts and it didn’t bother me one bit.  The hard part is watching tv…food LOOKS really good.  I just don’t want to eat any.  Not hungry, but it’s hard to watch pizzas go by on TV…LOL.  I don’t feel weak or dizzy, though, so I guess that’s a plus.  I really think the tough part is going to be the saline wash; aka “the devil’s elixir”………

As of 10pm, I’m STILL drinking that doggone lemonade…at least I’m almost done…I think…..

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